ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
