new low.... made out with someone while peeing
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
