whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
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I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
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I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I am one with the molecules
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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