dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
