jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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