there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
23 Annoying things Girls Do When They’re Trying To Be Cute
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.