my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.