walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Are my feet made of real feet?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.