i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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