Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
