i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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