Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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