oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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