i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
