babies were throwing up all over the place
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
