at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
