You smell like a Billy Joel song
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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