There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He passed out mid-signature
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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