He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
