i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
