Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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