So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
