I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
