Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
