More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
