The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
