i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
