well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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