i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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