WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
