ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
