I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
