You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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