We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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