Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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