Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
