I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
