Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
