Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
