just come out here and I will go home with you...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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