Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
