I didn't shave. On purpose
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Drunk walkin through police station. America
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
