Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
