i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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