I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
