everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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