Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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