and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
