Just fell off a train. Bad.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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