I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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