I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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