dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
