Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
