I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just blew my weed a kiss
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Randomize
