i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
