Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Sober January is a disaster.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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