I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
