just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
