Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
