i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
