I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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