You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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